Bill Nye : Episodes not released to children
by The Slinky Master
Summary: What happened to those few episode that weren't open to children? Let's find out shall we.
1. Chapter 1

_Bill Nye the Science Guy : The episodes not released to children._

BILL- BILL- BILL- BILL- (Bill Nye the Science Guy).

"Hey kids! I'm Bill Nye! And today we're learning about matter!" he stated staring at the camera lens, beaming a creepy smile. "Today we're going to learn that science is fun! And besides my striking likeness to Bob Saget- I'm a great host!" He smiled once again very creepily.

"First off- let's do a little experiment to show what a liquid is!" he said enthusiastically. He opened a blue flask containing chemicals and set it on the table. "This is liquid oxygen! It's very dangero- " THUD. He hit the ground suddenly and the director ran to the flask and put a stopper on it.

"Today I'm going to show you what a liquid is!" said Bill smiling. He grabbed the flask _next to _the blue one and opened it. "This is _not liquid oxygen! This- is regular oxygen." he said. "And! This is water!" he said holding up a regular bottle of water. "It's a liquid." He set it down shakily and began to walk away to get the rock on the counter. THUD "AAAH!" he screamed as slipped on the water and spilled the liquid oxygen over onto the camera guy. "AAAGH!" screeched the camera guy as he fell over._

_Two children stood behind a kitchen counter as the camera rolled. "Science is a lot like cooking!" said one. The other nodded in agreement, "So today we'll show how cookies are just a chemical combination of ingredients!" Suddenly Bill ran into the scene and shouted "COOKIES!" doing so he knocked over another flask of liquid oxygen and it poured all over the new camera guy and himself. _

"_HOLY *censor BLEEEEEEEEEP*! OH *BLEEEEP*! " cried Bill._

"_AAAAGH! Someone HELP!" the cameraman cried falling over. The children began to cry and Bill was dragged away by medical workers. And the flask shattered onto the floor._

"_Also- THIS-" said Bill standing in front of a large water fall in the midst of the river, "is LIQUID! And lots of it!" he said shaking. Suddenly he was swept away in the river and down the current as the camera crew attempted to follow but found themselves swallowed up as well._

_Later, Bill stood in a blanket on the shore of the river, "This- is what hypothermia is kids!!!" he said shaking violently. He began twitching and fell to the ground again._

"_Now liquid conducts electricity! So let's see what happens to this drenched chicken in an electric chair, as opposed to the dry chicken in the electric chair." he said with a smile. The children on the set covered their eyes. "FIRE IT UP!" cried Nye as various clucking was sounded._

"_Now Joey, just dip your hand into the liquid nitrogen and tell the viewers why it isn't like sticking your hand in water." said Bill to the 7 year old standing next to him. The child ran off crying._

_Suddenly Bill slid into the camera shot singing, "TWIST AND SHOOOUT!" he sang, "(twist and shout)" as he spun around he knocked over a large wooden stick that fell onto the director and knocked him out. Suddenly a pool of red emerged on the floor. "OH CRAP!" cried Bill. "HELP ME PAUL MCARTNEY!"_

"_And here- Is a rock!" he said holding the object firmly, "It's solid! It won't break if I throw it like this-" he said chucking the rock into the field behind him suddenly a THUD was heard as he looked back to find there was in fact a person in the field, now unconscious in the grass. "Crap! NOT AGAIN!" said Bill._

"_Any questions kids?" asked Bill to the children in lab coats surround ing him._

"_Where do babies come from!?" asked one._

" …_. " _

"_And this has been- Bill Nye, the Science Guy!" said Bill smiling._

_To be continued._


	2. Chapter 2

Episodes not released to children 2:

_Author's note: I decided to continue because last Friday in science, we watched Bill Nye. Even though we're way too old. And during the course of the video I could only think of good ways to screw up the experiments. So, all in all I present: (curtains unravel) BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY! EPISODES NOT RELEASED TO CHILDREN 2!!! (Fireworks and dramatic music)_

BILL-BILL-BILL-BILL-BILL-BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY! (Squeaky voice) Science rules! (SEVERELY DEEPER VOICE) BILL BILL BILL BILL- BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY!

The children stood traumatized in the corner as the theme song played. "MOOOOOMMMMMMYYYYYY!" cried one bursting into tears. Another young innocent child rocked back in forth in feeble position. Two twins handed each other their wills.

"HEY THERE!" cried Bill, "Today we're going to teach you all about the human body!" He smiled his familiar creepy grin. "FIRST OFF!" he cried, lifting a child off the ground, "Children have many more bones than adults do, and many of them are made of cartilage! Cartilage is a very slippery and cushiony material, SO KIDS PRACTICALLY BOUNCE!"

"Bounce?" asked one curious child.

"Like a trampoline!" said Bill as the child raised an eye brow.

An awkward silence arose as the child doubted Bill's sanity.

"Allow me to demonstrate!" cried Bill enthusiastically! He dropped the child.

"JIMMY NO!" cried the kid kneeling to his aid.

"Oh… oh dear god… um. I, uh, wasn't demonstrating cartilage's bounciness! NO! I was demonstrating…. …. …. GRAVITY!" with that Nye ran off into the next scene.

"HERE! We'll be showing you kids the MAGIC of your immune system!" he shouted. "Your immune system protects you against viruses! And if you catch a disease that effects your immune system- YOU DIE!" He smiled widely. "So say little Jimmy here and Molly get a little CRAZY over the weekend and they both come back with AIDS! THEY BOTH DIE FROM THE COMMON COLD CAUSE THEIR IMMUNE SYSTEMS AREN'T WORKING RIGHT! Isn't that AMAZING!?" The two children looked at each other wide eyed and screamed "EW! COOTIES!"

"Haha- oh you kids, anyway next we'll be learning about your REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM!" squealed Bill too excited to become sane anytime soon. "First here's a diagram of how your reproductive system works!" shouted Bill. "First, your-" Concerned adults quickly covered the children's eyes and ears.

( LATER )

"WASN'T THAT ABSOLTELY SCIENT-ASTIC!" cried Bill. … The children didn't speak. "And now, because we're required to have a kitchen session of each episode I now bring you COOKING WITH THE HUMAN BODY!"

The children hid behind the set before he called for volunteers.

"First we'll be revealing the SECRET ingredients to human body pie! And to demonstrate, we have a special guest! SWEENY TODD THE DEOMN BARBER OF FLEET STREET!" Sweeny Todd emerged from behind scenes smiling happily and waving as he stood beside Bill Nye.

"Is it hard to believe that Bill Nye is the scarier of the two?" told the cameraman to the director. The director replied, "Not at all."

"VOLUNTEERS?!" cried Bill. No one replied. "COME ON! Don't be shy! Sweeny Todd's a professional!" Complete silence filled the room. "Well- I guess no human pie for today, sorry Sweeny Todd." The barber frowned and walked away.

"Now any questions before we close up the show?"

Two children raised their hands.

"You first Scott."

"Mr. Saget when did you go insane? You were so nice on Full House."

Nye twitched for a second… "Timothy. Your question was?"

"You still haven't told us where babies come from!"

Bill sighed, "Okay Timothy- to start off-"

--- ~click~ --- Mrs. P turned the video off and turned to the class, "Now who wants to tell me what we've learned from watching Bill Nye?

The class was silent as one raised their hand. Mrs. Pet said, "Yes, Roger?"

"We learned that you get AIDS by-"

THE END!

p.s. Did you know there really is a STD tim and moby film!? (Tim and Moby is another supposedly _'kid friendly' science show. ) _


	3. Chapter 3

CHAAAAPTEEER THREEE IIISSSSS HEEEERRREEEE!

_Author's note: Hi guys! I got lazy- bored- and busy so sorry for the delay in writing this edition. Anyway I guess I shant stall any longer. I now present: (cheerleaders cartwheel their way in) "CHAPTER THREEEEEEE!" the cheerleaders cry enthusiastically! A huge "Chapter Three" banner rolls out and a football team bursts through it. YAY! (Audience chants) CHAP - TER - THREE! CHAP - TER - THREE! ( applause) football is kicked out WOOO! … … … … okay I'm gonna start writing now._

Chapter Three ( YAY! ) : Bill Nye Episodes not Released to Children 3

After yet another haunting and life scarring show, Bill Nye sat on break while talking with some other of the world's worst actors. "Well Miss Montana, how's your dad?" he asked.

"Mr. Nye!" interrupted the producer, "We need to speak."

"Sure thing- whatcha need?" replied Bill.

"Well it seems kids are less and less willing to volunteer for the audience and/or watch the show."

"So?"

"So we need to shake things up a little bit- we're giving you a narwhal assistant named Giraffe- some of Micheal Jackson's sparkly jackets to wear on set- OH and since none of the children wanted to volunteer for the show: we're replacing them with cardboard cut outs of Harry Potter."

"… Pfft- is that all?" asked Bill.

"Oh yeah and we couldn't get a camera guy willing to sign the wavers so we're training a monkey how to work the camera. Say hi to Narwhal!" cried the producer waving at the monkey.

"But I thought the Giraffe was named Narwhal." said Bill.

"No- the narwhal's name is Giraffe. And the monkey's name is Narwhal." corrected the producer.

"Oh I get it. So my assistant is Monkey the Giraffe?"

"No no no. Your assistant is Giraffe the Narwhal."

"Then the camera guy is Monkey the Narwhal?"

"No. The camera guy is Narwhal the Monkey,"

"Then who is the producer?"

"Me."

"Oh yeah, and then Monkey the Narwhal is the assistant?"

"No. Giraffe the Panda is,"

"Wait? Now there's panda?"

"No- sorry- wait I'm thinking about my friend named Panda."

"You have a friend named Panda?"

"Yeah- he's the one who gave me Narwhal the monkey."

"Cool so he just gave you the narwhal?"

"No Panda gave me the monkey named Narwhal."

"So Panda gave you Narwhal my Giraffe assitant!"

"No. He gave me a MONKEY named NARWHAL that is gonna FILM."

"Oh so- Is Narwhal filming this thing or is Giraffe!"

"Neither. The monkey is."

"So the Giraffe's name is Monkey?"

"No- the Narwhal's name is Giraffe- and the Monkey's name is Narwhal. There is no actual Giraffe."

"Wait- so, to get this straight- there is no giraffe?"

"Yes."

"No real Giraffe at all?"

"No. No giraffes."

"So who's my assistant?"

"Giraffe."

Bill punched the producer in the face.

"COULDN'T YOU HAVE JUST NAMED THEM BUDDY OR SOMETHING?" screamed Nye frustrated. The monkey looked at Bill. "You're next, Giraffe." said Bill scowling to the primate.

"His name is Narhwal." corrected Hannah Montana.

"SHUT UP YOU!"

Meanwhile- "Mommy… I don't want to watch this. It makes me die inside." whimpered a small child to her mother.

"Oh well, - it's the only thing on since the cables' busted." said her mother fixing dinner in the kitchen.

"But mom- this man makes Jerry Springer seem friendly."

"Honey- it's just for a little. Deal with it." replied her mother.

The girl stared at the screen as the show began.

"BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL! BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY!" sang the irritating theme. "HI KIDS! I'm Bill Nye and today we'll learn about Newton's laws of physics!" said the man in his familiarly creepy tone accompanied by his stalker like smile. His look simply confirmed the suspicion that he had enough restraining orders to start a collection.

"To introduce the first law- is my new assistant GIRAFFE THE MONKEY!" cried Bill.

"GIRAFFE THE NARWHAL!" corrected the producer.

"I DONT GIVE A (CENSOR BLEEEEEP)." cried Bill.

Then- a large tank of water was revealed from underneath a veil displaying a large unicorn/fish creature. The animal made a long strange groan type noise.

"Now Giraffe how about you explain Newton's first law."

The animal was silent.

….

"…Hehe- come on Giraffe… speak up."

The narwhal floated to the surface of the tank. Still silent.

"…Well Giraffe's going to take a quick visit to the taxidermist…" said Bill, "So I suppose I could give the first law!" said Bill laughing quickly.

"First of all: Any object will remain in its state of motion or state of rest unless acted upon by a force." stated Bill, "So for instance- this … bag resembling a body bag will continue to stay here unless the lazy useless janitor comes and sweeps it off set already. The force in this case being the lazy janitor WHO SHOULD COME ROLL THIS THING OUTA HERE!" cried Bill. The custodian ran in and swept the bagged corpse into a dumpster and rolled the dumpster out of the set.

"Now any volunteers for our next experiment?" said Bill into the audience.

Silence.

"How about you Daniel Radcliff?" suggest Nye pointing to one of the cut outs in the audience.

"No? It's okay- don't be shy-" said Bill dragging the cut out on set.

He placed it in a chair.

"Now just act natural as I demonstrate." said Nye, "Now- as I was saying the second law: is that there is an opposite but equal reaction for every action, so as I drop THIS anchor onto Daniel Radcliff's head, observe the reaction!"

BANG. The anchor hit the cardboard Harry square on his forehead as the cutout snapped in half and the anchor created an indent on the floor.

~Meanwhile at Hogwarts~

"GASP. Pant pant pant." wheezed Harry uneasily sitting straight up awaking from his sleep. Whipping himself out from the covers.

"What is it Harry?" calmly whispered his red headed friend Ron, awakening as well, "Another nightmare?"

"Yeah- kind of. I just have this feeling that someone- somewhere- is abusing my merchandise."

~Back on set~

"Alright- now for our third law:"

"AH! THE MONKEY IS LOOSE ATTACKING EVERYONE AND IS OUT OF CONTROL! RUUUUUUN!" cried the producer running onto set. The monkey hit the producer in the head with a bat and stared at the crew on set. THUD- the producer hit the floor hard.

"Wait then who's filming?" wondered Bill in a panicked tone.

Everyone looked to see Micheal Jackson behind the camera.

"… beat it?" suggested MJ.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screeched the crew in panic.

THEEE EEEEND!

YAY! Chapter four is under construction! SO KEEP READING/REVIEWING! Moo :p and p.s. sorry that the rest of this is fluff but I had a weird dream about Daniel Radcliff and Micheal Jackson and Bill Nye so it's 2 am and I'm kind of tired. I just really jotted this all into a fanfic cuz I cannot sleep now so HAPPY REVIEWING…. Seriously. Review. Right at the bottom there. The button that says review. Click it. … click it or else MJ will stalk you….. ZEEEEEE EEEEENNNNDDDDD! :p


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